Life as I want to know it

     We are in the middle of packing and moving. We are in the first phases, as in fixing some things, and packing away extra things to show the house. I hate moving. I feel like I have spent much of my life packing or unpacking my things. This time I am happy to be packing and moving. I am nervous about the house selling, and about getting everything to our new spot without spending a fortune or losing a lot of things. For me, saying good bye is never easy. I will miss the people here, and I will miss the ease with which I find friends, but I will not miss much else. I know my way around, but I can learn anywhere.

   I love my house. It is an older house and we never got around or the money to do all we wanted with it, but we did a lot. However, the last 5 years have been a complete roller coaster for me. It was either the heights of wonder (the birth  of my second son) or the depths of despair. ( Nasty woman hurting my Mom, DH having job issues, etc.) I am ready to go. This house will be hard to leave in a few ways. It was where we first brought C home, it is where my beloved Winnie Pooh was still my happy doggie. 

   However, in most ways, I will be happy to leave. The house needs work in some areas, I miss having a bathroom en suite, and there are some sad and horrible memories here, too. Without reliving the gory details, I have lost much in this house. I have lost myself  in many  ways. Recently, I have begun to  find me again, and  being here is  tough  for  that.  Memories live in the  corners and I  stumble into  them when  I least expect  it.  I am  hoping  to leave  them and  the nightmares  here. I won't call  the  move a new start,  but I  will  call  it turning  the  page.  As   for what   the next  chapter holds,  I don't  know,  but  I  want  to  find  out.

Who am I again?

   So I realize my first post was a little disjointed. And since I had to miss my Al-Anon meeting and I will miss the meeting next week, I figured I would do some self therapy here. Aren't you lucky! 

   I have been reflecting on my life a lot in the past year. I am trying to make positive changes and even to figure out what I need and want. I have always had a problem with boundaries. I tend to give everything I have and more to people I care about. I hate to disappoint people, and I am a total people pleaser. I have been trying to stop doing that. It seems to upset some people, but I am determined to set big, black boundary lines and force anyone who attempts to cross them back. It is easy to do that with people I am only luke warm on. It is the people I care for I have a hard time pushing against. 

   I try to set me time aside, and I end up doing other things, or taking one of the boys with me, and then the only me time I get is when I sleep. With Lupus, I sleep a lot, but it is never refreshing sleep or good sleep. Then I get the guilts for sleeping. So right now I am trying to remind myself I do not have to do things I do not want to, no matter who wants me to do them. I know what I can and cannot do. And I am really tired of hitting the wall after pushing too hard. I have sworn to myself to take at least 15 minutes of quiet time alone every day, but it has not been happening these days. So I need to get back to it. I also need to remind myself it is okay to have needs and wants of my own and if I need to, to meet them myself. 

   A while ago I gave up caring what others thought of me. I am not yet 35, so I think I can wear glittery eye shadow and get away with it. Reading trashy romance novels is something mindless I like. I even like celebrity gossip. (On the last 2, I read everything I can get my hands on, and I am talking People, not the Enquirer.) 

   So tomorrow I take my first steps back to something for me. I am having lunch with my Mom. I am just bringing sandwiches to her house, but I am going to just enjoy chatting with my mom. I will do laundry in the morning, but then I will get lunch and enjoy being with my mom. Baby steps...

After All

    So here I  am again.  This is my 4th  attempt at this  blog.  In my life, and this blog, I am trying to find balance. First off, I am a big believer in happy pills, especially for those of us dealing depression from any source. I get lots of mine courtesy of my Lupus and Fibro-Myalgia. I also believe in therapy, and changes. I am also an Irish Catholic, who does not follow all the rules, but most of them are part of my life. If any of this offends you, I wish you Godspeed and no offense taken. (You'll note, no matter what  I wish you Godspeed.)  I have  been  a  member of   Al-Anon  for  about 10 months,  a self esteem  group for about 3 months, and am  finally figuring me out. 

   My sons are awesome, both  2 legged and 4 legged. I am trying to survive being on the school board at their school, I  love reality TV, tulips, and laughing. I am pretty sarcastic, my family can drive me nuts, but I adore them. I have some friends who are considered family, and they have known me longer than I care to admit. 

   In an ideal world I would be described as a zaftig typical Irish girl. (And because I love the word zaftig.) But in this world, I am just a Mom trying to survive Lupus and my sons boyhoods. I am not into bugs or battles so some days it is tough. I cherish girl time, as I rarely get any.

   I am speaking at Lupus Advocacy Day in DC next week and I am doing anything I can to delay finished my speech. Re-starting this blog on more secure ground is much more important. My youngest has an ear infection right now, so he has been hyper with the meds. I  have  been having big issues with my meds. I seem to be dealing with headaches and a bad stomach due to all the pain meds. The good news is I am sleeping a lot. Actually, all I want to do is sleep. Of course, the anti-nausea meds make me tired, but the last few days I am just nap happy. 

   I have promised myself to clean the house and get caught up on laundry tonight. I should invite my mother to dinner so I am forced to clean up, but I am not that determined. I am  thinking  more of  an early dinner of  easy stuff. And then wondering around on my yoga pants doing some laundry and cleaning when the spirit moves me. 

   So here we go again. To anyone who has stuck with me through the other 2 previous accessible blogs, and the private one was a waste, thanks for hanging around. Let's hope this one is fun, and real, and a place you like.