Who am I again?

   So I realize my first post was a little disjointed. And since I had to miss my Al-Anon meeting and I will miss the meeting next week, I figured I would do some self therapy here. Aren't you lucky! 

   I have been reflecting on my life a lot in the past year. I am trying to make positive changes and even to figure out what I need and want. I have always had a problem with boundaries. I tend to give everything I have and more to people I care about. I hate to disappoint people, and I am a total people pleaser. I have been trying to stop doing that. It seems to upset some people, but I am determined to set big, black boundary lines and force anyone who attempts to cross them back. It is easy to do that with people I am only luke warm on. It is the people I care for I have a hard time pushing against. 

   I try to set me time aside, and I end up doing other things, or taking one of the boys with me, and then the only me time I get is when I sleep. With Lupus, I sleep a lot, but it is never refreshing sleep or good sleep. Then I get the guilts for sleeping. So right now I am trying to remind myself I do not have to do things I do not want to, no matter who wants me to do them. I know what I can and cannot do. And I am really tired of hitting the wall after pushing too hard. I have sworn to myself to take at least 15 minutes of quiet time alone every day, but it has not been happening these days. So I need to get back to it. I also need to remind myself it is okay to have needs and wants of my own and if I need to, to meet them myself. 

   A while ago I gave up caring what others thought of me. I am not yet 35, so I think I can wear glittery eye shadow and get away with it. Reading trashy romance novels is something mindless I like. I even like celebrity gossip. (On the last 2, I read everything I can get my hands on, and I am talking People, not the Enquirer.) 

   So tomorrow I take my first steps back to something for me. I am having lunch with my Mom. I am just bringing sandwiches to her house, but I am going to just enjoy chatting with my mom. I will do laundry in the morning, but then I will get lunch and enjoy being with my mom. Baby steps...